Anticipatory anxiety

I used to have loads of anxiety around travel. Not to the extent of panic attacks, but rather a constant, pervasive kind leading up to the moment I check into the hotel. There used to be thoughts flying around: a flutter of “when do I need to leave by?” and the many repeat calculations that it creates, crossed with a flapping of “Where should I eat?? Drink coffee? Does Uber work there?” Now, in the week or so leading up to a trip, I find myself holding my breath, having a higher resting heart rate, and needing a thing to put all my nervous energy toward. It sneaks up on me, and it’s only when I find myself procrastinating extra hard or jumping between projects with no actual work done that I know my anticipatory anxiety is having a party.

There’s an old meme about the meeting in an introvert’s calendar, with the whole work day before and after blocked off for anticipating and recovering from the meeting. My travel anxiety is like that, except across days or a week, depending on where I’m going. International trips to non-English native countries spike it, as do multiple legs through unfamiliar airports. Instead of specific thoughts, I blanket worry. I’m not sure which one is easier to deal with!

Perhaps the worst part of anticipatory anxiety is that it sometimes compounds. You know you get meeting anxiety, so you are bracing yourself for the anticipatory anxiety, which leads to anxiety about future anxiety (folks, this sucks, I don’t recommend it). Then you overcompensate by over-preparing: focus on what you can control, amirite?

Anyway, I’m in the middle of my October travel blitz. Two weddings down, one more to go, plus HostMilano! I have loads of anxiety around this trade show. I’m excited to go, but I have also heard that it’s overwhelming in its sheer size. For shits and giggles (and accuracy), I looked it up and immediately regretted that decision: 180,000 visitors in 2023. It is so large that it only happens every other year. I’m mainly focusing on the fact that I’ll get to sample loads of pastries, bread, gelato, and pizza. Oh, and coffee, of course. I hear there’s some competition happening around that.

Normally, I take a few extra days for personal fun, but this time it’s only one day before I have to return to the States and recover from jet lag—two days before leaving for the last wedding of the year. I’m taking a page from a friend’s book and reserved myself the Bernina train ride through the Swiss Alps. It’s a day trip that I’m very excited for! Next week, paid subscribers will receive a photo essay and preliminary thoughts about my trip.